So what do you do when you’re a broken city on the edge — like the rest of the world — of a giant economic depression? What do you do when you’re a city with a public transit system that doesn’t work, a traffic grid that doesn’t work, increasing unemployment, construction halted at several major downtown developments, a crumbling infrastructure maintained by low-functioning idiots and with at least another month ahead of shitty weather?
You sing a song, gosh darn it!
Because the way to make Torontonians feel good about their shabby, small-minded metropolis and the way to let the world know we’re a vibrant, “wonderful city… [of] amazing spirit and.. unparalleled diversity” is to… sing a song, gosh darn it!
I’m not kidding, y’all.
Have you got the music in you? Have you got a song in your heart?
In honour of the City’s 175th anniversary, the City of Toronto is hosting the Toronto Song Competition. We’re looking for an original song that is evocative of our wonderful city, a song that will pay homage to Toronto’s amazing spirit and its unparalleled diversity.
The contest is open to residents of Canada only and will welcome all lyrical musical genres ranging from pop, rock, jazz and hip hop to folk, roots and world music. To be submitted, songs must be recorded in an MP3 format and can be no longer than four minutes in length.
Jeff Gray at the Globe and Mail details the need:
Hmmm. Sounds like that song might suck.
[...]
Toronto, with its roster of musicians who live or lived here – from rock’s Neil Young to hip hop’s Ghetto Concept – has long been a musical town. Yet it lacks a defining song in the way New York has its New York, New York, Chicago has its My Kind of Town, or Thatcher-era London has almost any Clash song.
Perhaps we can blame this lack of a musical signature on the fact that most of the country hates us, and that the big stars bred here often flee south. Or the fact that Toronto rhymes with almost nothing.
I’m thinking this song has already been written, and though it doesn’t refer specifically to Toronto — being bereft of lyrics, after all — it captures the essence of Toronto’s genteel rot quite nicely. More to the point, there’s the song’s title and the name of the album from which it’s taken:
Video: Nine Inch Nails, “Help Me I Am In Hell”, from Broken, 1992
Hey, I could’ve gone with “Head Like a Hole”.
(via Torontoist)
9 comments
i believe that *you* should write a song… a song that lovingly evokes the posts written herein. and then join the toronto gay men’s chorus to sing it.
Honey, I think its time for you and Champ to move. If Broken is indicative of how you really feel about your city, perhaps a change of venue would do you good. Don a pair of leather chaps, buy a pick up, and move to Calgary.
I think a snappy tap-dance ditty ought to work.
Whoa…too early in the morning…this remnant of the Grahame/Baldwin/McLeod axis drifted South a long, long time ago, shabby gentility and all. ‘to(e): row, slow and tons of snow & woe? Dough?! now there’s a thought. Brother, you are in a world of hurt, but then you knew that. Go?! Like the man said: “broken”…
perhaps a move across the country to vancouver where everything is bright and shiny and the air is crisp and there will soon be an influx of strapping athletes in pursuit of olympic dreams would do you good?
I personally advocate Montreal. Which, let’s face it is a fun city. If it makes you feel any better, Boston isn’t fairing much better. After several years of a mayor dedicated to “luxury” development we are saddled with a lot of real estate no one can afford, a hole in the ground where one of our major department stores was before the hizzoner decided that he was going to build a luxury tower to end all luxury towers which now has no funding. The list goes on and on.
I’d move myself, if I thought I could find a job elsewhere. Either here or back up in Canada.
So I take it you’re not recommending a visit to Toronto?
The wheels on the bus are falling off, falling off, falling off.
The wheels on the bus are falling off, all through the-OMIGOD! WATCH OUT FOR THE POTHooooooooooolllllleeeeee! (CRASH!)
Song for Toronto
A wistful Irish-style ballad
(a-one-two-three, one-two-three)
Where, oh where, where-onto?
Would you go from fair Toronto?
Your transport don’t work
An’ the potholes, they lurk
But that’s your grand memento (oooohhhhhhh)
For tourists there, hereinto
Your cold and gray Toronto!
Oh yes, they exist
They’ll always persist
Cause the exchange rate’s still the besto!
But what! Of! the residents!
Who must! Endure! The pestilence!
Take the words of this vamp,
Oh Stewart and Champ
And look towards the south!
Cause who’s your sister city?
On an island warm and pretty
Just go to Havana
Rent a cabana
And forget that Toronto’s so shitty!