Underachiever’s To-Do List For 10 January 2009
- Wake up
- Coffee (three, ginormous)
- Dispose of entire bag of mango & pineapple pieces, eaten during a seriously crazed sugar jag last night — the natural way, if you get my drift
- Vote for JoeMyGod (again)
- Fold remaining laundry (from Thursday’s loads)
- Put fresh underwear, socks, tee-shirt and swimsuit into gym bag
- Rip to iTunes and iPod approximately 7,000 official and home-grown remixes of Nine Inch Nails’ “Hand That Feeds”
- Listen to “Hand That Feeds” remixes 25 times
- Wash some of last night’s dishes
- Seethe with contempt at 3,729 couples hogging reduced-path sidewalks on Yonge and Bloor Streets on the way to the gym
- Seethe with contempt at 1,623 double-wide strollers entirely blocking reduced-path sidewalks on Yonge and Bloor Streets on the way to the gym
- Seethe with contempt at the stupid old woman at the gym, whose schedule seems tied to mine in an peculiarly unsettling way, and who carries her omnipresent cup of low-rent coffee at shoulder height, thus guaranteeing the slowest possible (and way-blockingest) movement and, as if on cue, spills her coffee on the floor or some cardio machine and uses a white gym towel to mop it up
- Seethe with contempt at the fuckweasel guys at the gym who
- are too gay to stand at a urinal to pee and
- are too pig-ignorant to lift the goddamned toilet seat when they pee in the stall
- Listen to “Hand That Feeds” remix suite 17 more times at the gym, loudly, so as to avoid annoying, hot-guy distractions
- Effectively ignore Fair-Weather Gays at the gym (you know the ones… they only acknowledge your existence when absolutely no one more fabulous is in their orbit)
- Perform half-assed workout
- Seethe with contempt at Gym Adjusters, that class of sub-human who absolutely cannot use any equipment, service or shower without altering it in some inscrutably personal way, guaranteeing that anyone using said equipment, service or shower afterwards will need to readjust it back to the way 90% of the rest of society uses it
- Avoid contact — eye or “accidental” physical — with exceedingly-unattractive shower/sauna/steam trolls, cruising not at the bathhouse but at the goddamned gym, who seem not to understand that visual cues of disinterest (or contempt) mean NOT FUCKING INTERESTED (!)
- Discover that food poisoning (Wednesday-Thursday, last week) is a terrific way to drop five pounds. Slimming!
- Avoid replacing sugar bowl broken during last night’s post-cocktail-party-at-work reverie
- Avoid screaming epithets at idiotic Dell CSR incapable of telling me how to remove optical-drive bay cover while following PDF (fail) directions to the letter
- Remove hard and optical IDE-based drives from old computer and fail, utterly, in connecting them to SATA-based new computer
- Order in sushi from Natural Sushi
- Seethe with contempt at the stupid, old, drunk, LOUD, insane (and possibly retarded) dog-walking woman in my apartment building, who smokes (and carries around a glass of rum-and-coke) in the hallways and is, for real, dumber than a box of hair
- Finish off that bottle of El Burro, mocking me (mercilessly) since it was opened last weekend
- Watch three episodes of first season of Weeds
- Compile dumb-ass underachiever’s to-do list while tagging and importing into iTunes all remaining Nine Inch Nails MP3s (while listening to previously-undiscovered remix of “Hand That Feeds”)
19 comments
Where does masturbation fit into all of this?
I’m really shocked you didn’t tie “Hand That Feeds” to your observation, rptrcub.
This reminds me: Have you seen how hot Trent is these days?
I.. um.. er…
When was he not?
{ducking}
For an under-achiever’s list, this is unacceptably well-ordered and cogent. Sorry, you fail. Go back and try harder to not try next time.
P.S. ‘Fuckweasel’ is officially my new favorite word. Thanks!
And it’s yours, for free!
And that’s what we in Toronto call “anger management”.
Wow! All else dims by comparison…
“Avoid contact — eye or “accidental” physical — with exceedingly-unattractive shower/sauna/steam trolls,”
Oh, the burden of being a buff, hung hunk.
Right. Read the rest of the sentence, only part of which you quoted.
Some people actually want to shower in the shower, sweat in the sauna and steam in the steam room. Why is that so hard for some folks to comprehend?
#17 made me laugh to the point of inhaler-needing. You do almost as much contemptuous seething at the gym as I do!
Happy New Year, my favorite blog genius.
The guys peeing in the stalls are avoiding the same trolls at the urinals. It’s part of being in a gay environment. And what women have to deal with all the time in the straight scene.
I work out at a gym that is 99% straight. I always piss at one of the urinals to annoy the straight guys, who know I’m gay and don’t like it one bit. Nine times out of ten they’ll use a stall because I’m at one of the urinals. It is apparently unthinkable to piss next to a homo. My piss will make them gay, you know.
I work out at a gym that’s 60% gay and I always pee at the urinal. Why should I prevent anyone from taking a poo just because I’m a frightened little flower who can’t pee beside — or within 3 urinals — of another guy?
And I don’t get that “part of being in a gay environment” nonsense. Unwelcome interest is unwelcome no matter the gender of the interest or the interested. Maybe men — gay and straight — should grow a set of that which they feel they must cower behind a toilet stall to hide from people who are, mostly, not even remotely interested in checking out your goods while you eliminate. A look of contempt, peppered with a “the FUCK?” comment usually gets rid of any overly-interested parties.
Honestly, I see no reason why gay men should tolerate behaviours by their own which they would not tolerate by the general population. For the record, copping an unsolicited feel as I walk past you with a beer on the patio at The Black Eagle will get you the same look of contempt and “the FUCK?” comment, too.
My sister told me she no longer uses her iPod when jogging because of women being assaulted on the trail. That’s a serious problem. The trolls are losers with bad social skills. They live in a porn-fantasy bubble. Speaking out loud and saying something like ” Do I have to speak to the management” will burst their bubble. Or, to be cruel, ask “what makes you think I’d be interested in you?”
The “unwelcome interest” is flirting to them, even if it’s actually sexual assault by law. I had a guy at the Black Eagle take out his dick and start slapping it on my leg. As guys, we have the option of putting a stop to something quickly.
No matter what our rights are, there’s always going to be leering or masturbating or groping trolls in some gay spaces. They would never do the same thing at Starbucks. It goes with the territory, no matter how non-PC.
Uncle B, I agree with you 100%. People need my permission to touch. This made me hugely unpopular in San Francisco for seven years where everyone assumed I wanted to be part of the never-ending all-inclusive group hug. It’s my body, people, not yours. Has it never occurred to any of them that some of us have been abused or raped? Get a clue, respect my boundary, it’s there for a reason. Ask first, but if I say No you need to get over it.
I had a like-minded acquaintance down there who, if people were foolish enough to cross this boundary without asking, would give them a huge smile (without using his eyes) and say, “That’s great, but you’re touching me.”
You may find you seethe less if you don’t listen to so much NIN. Just sayin…