I got taller. But not gayer.
I joke here about loving to scandalize my Mom — with all the swears and nudity and gay sex and unbridled grumpiness and whatnot — but the fact is, my Mom is the greatest Mom who ever lived and I love her to bits. I probably wouldn’t be able to say that with any surety had I not come out to her almost 21 years ago.
It wasn’t a joyous occasion — it all spilled out during a rather bad breakup while I was moving from Calgary to Toronto — but she stood by me then as firmly as she ever had before or since. (Dad, too, of course). So when I read Leven’s potent plea to come out to your family as an act of love for them and yourself and your community, I was prepared for a bunch of yeahbuts and, indeed, the comments for that post fulfilled my expectations.
It’s powerfully liberating to be able to talk to my Mom on the phone once or twice a week and not ever have to filter where I work or what I’m doing with Champ or who I’m visiting wherever or what my friends are doing. All she wants is to know that I’m happy and healthy and involved in the world, and when she hangs up the phone I always make sure she’s reminded not just of those things but also how instrumental her influence has been in ensuring that I’m happy and healthy and involved in the world.
And doesn’t that trump all the yeahbuts — the “I need the approval of my parents”s and the “they’re too old to understand”s and the “they can’t handle it”s — we throw up as lame rationales for not trusting ourselves or the people who raised us?
Of course there’ll be horror stories of Bad Coming Outs. But I can’t help but marvel at all the energy and time and deception I’d have expended over the past 21 years had I stayed closeted from the people who made me. It tires me just to think of it. You deny yourself a life less deceptive if you don’t come out to your family. You deny your family the knowledge of the real you if you don’t come out. Denial and deception, isn’t that what we’re supposed to be fighting?
It’s important for people who’ve been out for so long to remember how enormous that fear was. And how easy it is to say “come out, COME OUT!” But there’s a yeahbut for that, too: those of us who’ve overcome that hurdle and are urging you to take that leap do so because we’ve been there. We knew that fear — we lived with it for so long, ourselves — and we’re so much happier now. It’s a huge step but a necessary one.
“We must destroy the myths once and for all. We must continue to speak out and most importantly every gay person must come out. As difficult as it is, you must tell your family, you must tell your relatives, you must tell your friends, you must tell your neighbors, you must tell the people you work with, you must tell the people in the stores you shop in, and once they realize that we are indeed their children and that we are indeed everywhere, every myth, every lie, every innuendo will be destroyed once and for all. And once you do you will feel so much better.” — Harvey Milk
And you might be surprised to find your mom’s as cool as Jill Abrams’ mom:
So to repeat what I said a couple of days ago: Mom, Happy Mother’s Day. See you in a couple of months. When Calgary joins the rest of the country in summer.
11 comments
Fantastic. Just fantastic.
When I came out to my mom in 1988, she said, “I cannot imagine a more loathsome, hideous, disgusting thing than one man touching another.” Then, she kicked me out of the house. We didn’t speak for two years. Three years after this, she bought my boyfriend and I tickets to move to San Francisco together. Five years later, she flew 3,000 miles to attend my gay wedding. Five years after that, at her own 50th anniversary ceremony, she introduced my man to every single one of the 150 people who attended as “Rick’s partner, John.” Often, she proudly added, “They’ve been together over a dozen years already! They’ll have their fiftieth before you know it.” So yeah, coming out? Traumatic. But if I hadn’t done it, I would have denied my mother all that growth. She’s a bigger person for all those challenges I brought to her. Considering she came from a town of 2,000 in Oklahoma, in my mind she’s practically 50 feet tall. She’s my fucking hero.
I just saw the post at Eric Leven’s blog, and I completely agree with you guys. As I’ve said over there, not one of the hardships I had to endure while coming out to my family, not A SINGLE ONE (and there were many), even begins to be as strong as the good feeling I get when my husband calls my mother on Mother’s Day and I hear her referring to him as her “newest son”.
Or when my brother asks us to stay over for a few days during a business trip and he’s totally aware of and confortable with the fact that he’ll be staying in the home of a gay couple.
And I absolutely LOVE the Harvey Milk quote – I’ve always thought that there are so many of us out there, no matter how small the percentage may be, that if every one of us just came out there’s no way, NO WAY we’d be harrassed the way we are.
Best,
J.
I came out to my Mom 35 years ago, right about this time of year. She’ would ask me periodically if I was gay. I would deny it vehemently. It was only when I actually met and started to hang out with other gay guys my age that I decided to answer the question truthfully. I thought she’d more than prepared herself for my answer. I could not have been more wrong. She cried. She rolled on the floor. She cursed herself. With each new drama, my resolve strengthened. Eventually, I had to tell her to chill, or we’d have no relationship at all. And she did. She’s been an integral part of my life since then. My partners have always been included in all family gatherings, and honored as such.
My father, on the other hand, shrank away from me, and decided he couldn’t deal with me or my then-partner. It was his choice, and also his loss. He knew that and admitted as such on his death bed. It was pretty pointless, by then. Sad.
I came out to my family in my late teens. They were… not shocked, let’s say. They were okay with it, but we’ve never discussed it, really – mine is not a family that talks about these kinds of things. I think they thought it was a phase – certainly they didn’t blink when I (briefly) dated a man.
I had more of a reverse problem – all of my current friends, I’ve been out to as long as I’ve known them. So when my own personal growth cycle took me to the point where I could start acknowledging attraction to men (harder for me than acknowledging attraction to women), it blew all their minds because they had a hard time thinking of me as not just being a lesbian. It was coming out all over again, and oddly, seemed *more* awkward the second time. (Possibly because so many of my friends are male.)
As for Jill Abrams’ mother – I’m kind of in love with her. Maybe *I* could turn her…
It’s interesting for me to read all of this as a mom, although my son isn’t yet five. I often wonder what he’ll turn out to be. Your experiences of trauma, as real as they are, just seem like such an anathema. I have a fundamental noncomprehension of homophobia (and racism, sexism, anti-Semitism, etc. baseless hatreds), I think because my parents never taught me such things. I knew they existed, but assumed only stupid people believed in such crap; that once someone was educated like me (not referring only to formal education), they’d realize how illogical it all was and drop it. Imagine my culture shock in college when I began to understand how, in many cases, these things are actually institutionalized. Insane. I’m glad I wasn’t raised to disdain (or worse) others for idiot reasons; but at the same time I wish I hadn’t been so sheltered from others’ difficulties. I’m wrestling with how to approach this with my son. I guess I’m hoping that since my husband and I won’t teach him hatred, and since we live in a cool community with many diverse people, it may not be a significant problem. Actually, you know what I keep thinking? I keep seeing my son as a teen getting all worked up because he has to come out to me, and then I think, why should he have to bother coming out? Why can’t he just start dating whomever he likes in his teens, like everybody else? THIS is what I want. I don’t want to be a factor in his love life or sex life at all. Except for, you know, “HOLY SHIT, FIND YOUR PANTS, MOM AND DAD ARE HOME!” and being at the wedding (if he has one). This is genderless stuff, right? Except, it isn’t. Fucking mortal coil.
You know, I don’t comment on comments as often as I’d like, but I hafta say: you guys are seriously choking me up. Damn, there goes that whole butch-cool pose, huh?
Cora, I hope that, when I become a mother, I’m half as cool as you.
As for the rest of y’all? What bstewart23 said. Because my default is hetero, I never had to worry about coming out to anyone. However, I do remember back in my mid 20s, the first time a friend came out to me, which was when he was coming out to everyone (he was in his early 20s). It was a shock, as he had previously professed attraction to women, and I admit it took awhile for me to process this new information. But after our two hour conversation, I realized that there really wasn’t anything to process. He was still the same wonderful David I’d been friends with for several years – I just had to try to remember not to set him up with women.
In the end I was honored that he trusted me enough to tell me. Same with the pre-op transexual that I worked with many moons ago who was still biologically male (and was known as male to our co-workers). The only other co-worker who was aware of it was her wife. It amazed me that, though we weren’t super close (just good work friends), that she felt she could trust me with this secret. I think she just needed to tell someone at work about who she really was and knew that I wouldn’t freak out about it.
Unfortunately, in both cases time and geographic distance caused us to drift apart, but I still think about them and wonder how they’re doing. And I hope that they are both leading lives that allow them to be who they truly are.
I think Rick has nailed it, when he said that “if I hadn’t done it, I would have denied my mother all that growth”. I feel exactly the same about my family, especially my parents.
That’s EXACTLY the point – It’s up to US to provide that opportunity for growth, it’s up to US to educate people, to show them WHO we are and WHERE we are (answer: everywhere). It must come from US, because it will not come from THEM.
My husband says that not one of his former lovers acted like his lover around his family, they always behaved like “friends”. That allowed the family to act as if they didn’t know about his sexuality.
I don’t do this (and that’s not a conscious effort, I grew used to being out), and so his family was made to recognize that their son is gay and that I am not just a friend. And it’s been BRILLIANT, he says his father has NEVER treated any of his lovers like he treats me, and his mother has quickly become friends with mine (which, quite frankly, is really scary because they’ll constantly call each other and talk about us…lol).
So I think it comes down to this – It’s not so easy to opress and intimidate people who don’t act like they are intimidated. And the best way to show that you’re not intimidated is by being out, being yourself. In my experience, there’s no other way to live.
BStewey- If you were my baby I’d love you every way because in every way, you’re perfect.
Wow, what an honor that you featured my mother. I love what you had to say in this blog. God bless you. Big hug. xoxo Jill and Miss Lola