Twenty Years Ago: 26 January 1988 at bstewart23

Twenty Years Ago: 26 January 1988

26Jan08

I really had to get rid of some crap around the apartment. One box in particular had eluded scrutiny until today. It think it’s been 15 years since I last opened it. There were a lot of letters, old letters, from friends and family. And tricks. Almost twenty years old, most of them, and one was even dated 26 January 1988. Remember letters?

26 January 2008

Twenty years ago, I’d just sold my house — the house I bought with the first man I ever kissed — at a huge loss, a fitting endnote to what might charitably be called “a bad breakup.” That little nightmare forced an unplanned coming-out to my parents, who were what might charitably be called “not pleased.” They came around.

Twenty years ago, I had a great job, secured a transfer from little Calgary to big Toronto, and found myself traveling to London and Paris and New York on a regular basis. I dressed in fine suits every day and rubbed shoulders with some pretty powerful people. Four years later, the company overextended itself and went under.

Twenty years ago, I was in love, really in love, passionately in love, for the first time in my life. My heart was broken twice by that guy. Years after I learned enough about myself to say “no more, get out,” I heard he’d disappeared in Mexico somewhere, some crystal meth thing involving rough trade, the kind he fancied when he wasn’t with level-headed men who loved him unconditionally.

Twenty years ago, I had the most amazing, creative, funny, dynamic and charismatic friends. Almost all of them are dead now. No, really, I think only two or three are still around. All gone. Those sexy, brilliant, hilarious men. Reading the cards and notes from their parents was… tough. “We miss David and shall mourn him forever. Please remember him.” Fuck, Bulldog, how could I not?

And, good golly, the letters from twenty years ago! So… raw and revealing, so filled with promise. And promises! Love declared, love denied, love postponed, love confessed. All the disappointments and hopes and travels. All the really dirty stuff we were going to do to each other, in explicit detail. Some of it I actually remember later doing.

Some of the names and circumstances became so palpable as I re-read those letters. Some of the names and circumstances don’t connect with any memory at all. Funny, that.

I threw them out, all of them.

And don’t think there weren’t tears before I did it.

January 1988

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10 Responses to “Twenty Years Ago: 26 January 1988”

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1 tuckova on Jan 26th, 2008 said:

You aren’t very kind to your biographers, are you?
2 bstewart23 on Jan 26th, 2008 said:

Perhaps not, but I figure I’m being exceedingly kind to many of the senders of those letters. And thank you for not mentioning the 17 pounds of excess skin on my neck in the first photo.
3 Jon on Jan 26th, 2008 said:

I’ve done that with letters I had from college. Some I kept, most I threw out. And btw, your neck looks fine.
4 Sami on Jan 26th, 2008 said:

I totally didn’t notice the skin thing until you mentioned it.

I was distracted by the part where you’re really, really hot. And feeling slightly weird for noticing that, because, dude, twenty years ago I was SEVEN.
5 eldon on Jan 26th, 2008 said:

what happens when you realize just how many love letters and love notes you’ve saved from the love of your life that went sour?

what happens when you throw them away, only to realize down the road they might come in handy as a guage to how far you’ve come?

brett, this post kinda brought a lump to my throat.

and i can feel your pain.

e
6 Carol Elaine on Jan 27th, 2008 said:

I concur with Sami - twenty years ago you were hot (as hot as you are now, BTW). As I was nearly 22 twenty years old, I don’t feel weird at all about saying that.
7 bstewart23 on Jan 27th, 2008 said:

You guys. {blush}

Funny thing about those letters, eldon: not one of them was particularly revelatory. Any lessons learned over the past 20 years were so hard-won and are so integrated into my everyday mind now. Although, admittedly, at the time I was probably unaware that there was a lesson brewing at all.
8 Barry in Brazil on Jan 27th, 2008 said:

Stumbled onto your blog a few weeks ago. Nice post.
9 Eric on Jan 28th, 2008 said:

Hunky in ‘88. Hunky in ‘08. At least one thing is constant. Great post. Simply Wonderful.
10 Matt on Jan 30th, 2008 said:

I have the same box you’re talking about. I found mine again recently–it had a mix-tape (i.e. cassette tape) that a friend who died in ‘88 had made. I remembered how much I miss him.

I doubt I’ll have that relation to email in twenty year–but, then again, I probably won’t have *any* emails.

btw–once a month, Andy Warhol put everything on his desk into a box, and sent it to a warehouse in NJ. He didn’t want to see any of it again, but he thought others might–and he was right. You can see them–the ‘time capsules’–at the Warhol Museum in Pittsburgh. The archivists there continue to find amazing things in them.