The Worst “Heroes” Superpower

Yeah, yeah, Heroes lost its way this season but it’s still one of the most engaging serialized fantasies on broadcast television these days — well, in the days preceding the writer’s strike — and a show which the creators of oh, I dunno, Lost?, might want to take a look at when they think about writing a story that moves the fuck along.

Anyway, of all the superheroes’ powers — and, hey, Sylar? Hottest. Villain. Ever. — it’s gotta be Matt Parkman’s mind-reading that’d suck the most.

Greg “Matt Parkman” Grunberg (Heroes)
NBC Photo: Chris Haston

Imagine the cacophony of idiotic drivel he must overhear, day in and day out! Like, for example, on the way home from work:

• “Oh, do I need to stop and wait for the WALK signal? Surely the cars will stop for me. I mean, it’s raining out and they’ll stop, for sure, if I just step out into traffic.”
• “Oh, gee, now that I’m at the front of the line, I can’t make up my mind what I want! A caramel macchiato? No, I had that this morning. How about a spiced-pumpkin latte? Mmmm, that’d be good. Do I want sprinkles on it? Chocolate? Oh, dear, I’m on a diet and I really shouldn’t. Oh, what the hey, I’ll go for it! Live on the edge, that’s my motto! Here, use my card. What? There’s no money left on it? I could’ve sworn there was money left on it! Are you sure? Can you try again? What’s your problem, mister? I’m ahead of you in line and I have every right to ask!”
• “These stairs sure don’t get any easier to walk down, so I’d better hold onto both railings and walk down the center! Is that my train? Oh, phew, no, I can slow down, then. Why is that bearded man who’s following so closely behind me cursing like that? How inconsiderate! He can just wait for the next train. Why are people in such a rush these days? They need to just slow down, like me.”
• “I dunno, I just don’t think I look gay enough. That settles it, I’m getting a fauxhawk!”
• “Thank goodness I got all my shopping done! I hope no one counts my items… Oh, do I need to pay for these groceries? Where’s my purse? And why is that bearded man looking at me so angrily? Oh, wait, I think I have the correct change, let me find it.”
• “Wow, that’s so cool the way this hallway is wide enough for four people but by wandering aimlessly and with our shopping bags swinging, the two of us take up the whole width!”
• “Goodness, just look at the hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of pigeons! So happy and cooing and pooping all over the sidewalk! They must be starving to death! I’m going to the store right now to buy some seeds!”
• “Is it raining out? Oh, no, it is! The books I just bought might get wet, so I’ll just stand here in front of the door until it stops.”
• “That’s so cool the way driving my car through puddles in the bus lane creates such huge splashes! Geez, that poor guy… I fuckin’ soaked the poor bastard!”
• “It’s so cute the way Ruffles is jumping up on that man’s trousers! We just went for a walk in the rain and he’s so happy! Aren’t you, Raffles, aren’t you the happy boy!”
• “Jesus, why is he so pissed-off?”

See?