Thanks to email, Hallmark.com, online banking and Amazon.com gift certificates, the need to send actual, hold-in-your-hand mail has diminished enormously. Yet… sometimes ya just gotta, right?

You’d think that with the diminished volume, mail carriers like Canada Post(/Postes Canada) would be able to get an envelope or package to its destination faster than in years past. You’d also think that in the downtown core of the largest city in Canada you could find some carrier — Canada Post or Purolator or UPS, for example — with an office open on a Saturday and capable of fulfilling the promise of Next-Day Delivery. And you’d further think that, given all of the above, your parcel or letter or card would actually arrive at its destination on or before the promised date.

Of course, you’d be thinking crazy if you thought any (or all) of the above. But on that last point you can actually turn a consumer-unfriendly situation to your advantage! Canada Post’s reliably shitty service can be utilized when you have a package which needs faster-than-regular delivery and you want it to get there by a specific date but don’t quite need it to get there on time. Say, for example, a birthday card (with a Starbucks gift card enclosed) sent to that uncle to whom you’re not particularly close. You don’t want to send a plastic card of any kind through regular mail; what, are you stupid?!

If it gets lost, no big deal, you can send a replacement and Canada Post will reimburse you for your costs. If it arrives a day or two late, even less of a big deal, and your shipping costs will be refunded. Because, if you’re like me, at least one in three packages you ship via Canada Post will be lost or arrive late.

With parcel in hand, head to your local post office and choose the cheapest, trackable (important!), express-delivery service. Fill out all of the paperwork accurately and honestly — the goal here is not to cheat but simply to take advantage of predictably shitty service. Make sure you keep all your receipts. And voila! Tell or email your recipient that there’s a package on its way, due to arrive on the date promised.

Next, familiarize yourself with Canada Post’s parcel-tracking system. Don’t be overly shocked if your parcel doesn’t even make it into the system for a day or two, despite the fact that it was scanned into the system when you paid for the service. That’s just one of the serendipitous joys of using Canada Post! Depending on your level of investment in this game, check back periodically to track the progress of the delivery.

If you’re like me, on the morning after the promised delivery date, you’ll probably find the online tracking system will tell you that the package was received by the post office and hasn’t budged ten feet from where you left it. That’s probably not true, but who knows, right? Here’s where you can call up the number on your tracking receipt and ask as to the whereabouts of your package and initiate an investigation. Be polite! The person on the other end of the phone didn’t lose or delay your package, they’re merely part of the fucked-up system which did. Ask to be phoned and/or emailed when there’s a status update.

And, sure enough, your package will probably show up at your recipient’s address a day or three after promised. And Canada Post will cheerfully send you a refund cheque for your delivery charge.