So, I’d mentioned last week that The Smiths had been in heavy iPod rotation lately and it just so happened that I was on the elliptical trainer at the gym, watching a couple of trashy strippers — male strippers, as is the fashion to call them — doing their back extensions and goldurnit if I didn’t trip out imagining them doing that peeler thing they do at the exact moment “What Difference Does It Make?” was playing.

What an awesome song for a male stripper to strip to! I’ve provided you with the music so you can imagine along with me, though if you decide to simply watch Morrissey lip-synching and looking oh-so-fetching in this Top of the Pops performance, and read no further, that’s cool with me. Win-win.

What Difference Does It Make?
The Smiths (from The Smiths)

All men have secrets and here is mine (arms crossing chest and hands lowered to cover g-string pouch)
So let it be known (hands removed from crotch)
For we have been through hell and high tide
I think I can rely on you… (the finger-guns make their first appearance)
And yet you start to recoil
Heavy words are so lightly thrown (throw imaginary baseball, like Morrissey in the video above)
But still I’d leap in front of a flying bullet for you (wide-legged, short jumps forward to audience)

So, what difference does it make? (arms extended in Jesus Pose)
So, what difference does it make?
It makes none (spin around, shaking head)
But now you have gone
And you must be looking very old tonight

The devil will find work for idle hands to do (tease the side-snaps of that g-string)
I stole and I lied, and why?
Because you asked me to! (finger-guns!)
But now you make me feel so ashamed
Because I’ve only got two hands (grab the g-string pouch with both hands)
Well, I’m still fond of you, oh-ho-oh (you guessed it: finger-guns)

So, what difference does it make?
Oh, what difference does it make? (arms extended in Jesus Pose)
Oh, it makes none
But now you have gone (finger guns forward and then to both sides)
And your prejudice won’t keep you warm tonight

Oh, the devil will find work for idle hands to do (unclasp one side-snap of that g-string)
I stole, and then I lied
Just because you asked me to (finger-guns!)
But now you know the truth about me (both g-string snaps unclasped, g-string pulled away)
You won’t see me anymore (both hands covering now-naked crotch)
Well, I’m still fond of you, oh-ho-oh (one hand still covering package, the other finger-gunning)

But no more apologies (one finger wagging, the other holding package)
No more, no more apologies (both fingers wagging, crotch exposed)
Oh, I’m too tired (faux-yawning while dancing and shaking moneymaker)
I’m so sick and tired
And I’m feeling very sick and ill today (hanging off pole, spinning)
But I’m still fond of you, oh-ho-oh (the last of the finger guns, while spinning around pole with one arm)

Oh, my sacred one …
Oh …

Not that I’ve done an exhaustive study or anything, but I seriously think the male stripping profession could use some better-selected music and it’s absurd to ignore the goldmine in potential-male-stripper music represented by Morrissey and The Smith’s catalog.