The gym was pleasantly uncrowded this morning, probably due to the big Mr. Leather Toronto party tonight. The denizens of Toronto’s leather community population are no doubt waiting until the last possible moment to pursue their Party Pump because, hey, maybe the extra muscle mass you’ll gain by delaying your workout by just six hours will totally make someone want you more that they would otherwise.

And an uncrowded gym means the television sets facing the cardio machines can be tuned away from the innumerable Life Network and Learning Channel design makeover programs — the ones which feature stereotypical homosexuals who appear to have been chosen not for any discernible design expertise but, rather, solely for their flaming demeanour (many viewers are under the mistaken impression that gay == design savvy) — and dig in for some news catch-up.

The police and media have long been co-conspirators in increasingly-ludicrous drug seizure reports — $15 BILLION STREET VALUE ECSTASY BUST! — which anyone with a passing knowledge of street drug prices and a calculator would find impossibly hilarious. But there’s a limit, of course, to the hurdling values the public will accept as fear-inducing. Gone, too, is any real belief that marijuana is the demon drug they were capable of convincing my mom it was.

So, what next? How to frighten the public about drugs in these more laissez-faire times? Easy! GROW OPS CAN KILL YOU!

For the past four days local Toronto news has been dutifully reporting not just that a major marijuana grow operation was uncovered, but — wait for it — YOUR FAMILY IS IN DANGER!

Of course your family is in danger. If it wasn’t, there’d be nothing for local news to report. Since it would be laughable to suggest that marijuana itself is dangerous to the health of your family, the only recourse for news and police in these times is to suggest that the growing of said marijuana is an imminent threat to the welfare of your community. Your family. And your children! Booby traps! Overtaxed electrical systems! Pesticide dangers! Mould! Untold ways for your family to get killed or become maimed or burn up or die of horrible, horrible, debilitating diseases, just by marijuana being grown in your neighbourhood!!!

I guess they needed an interim story before they start in on the threats to your family from… holidays! Your child could strangle herself on ribbon! Your turkey is a festering pile of infection! Your house will burn down because you have a real Christmas tree! Your candles will explode, covering you in wax (and not in a good way)!

Shut up, local news.