Global Disaster 2: Down-Low Boogaloo

Nothing amuses more than watching suburban housewives and clueless dads make sense of the world around them. Imagine the amusement resulting from those same suburban chuckleheads reading teleprompters to help us make sense of the world!

Imagine no more, because Global News Morning is always there to make even those with IQs in single digits or without a full chromosomal complement feel fuckin’ brilliant.

In addition to the usual, idiotic array of non-news banter between the jovially-simpleminded anchors, viewers were treated this morning to yet another montage of public reaction to President Clinton’s volatile asswhuppin’ of Chris “I Can Get Away with Being a Smirking Fucktard by Claiming This Question was Emailed” Wallace on Fox News Sunday.

Of course the content of Clinton’s honest and factually-accurate rebuttal was ignored in favour of the predictable, piffling commentary from talking-points-spouting “pundits” at Fox and CNN. Of course the scathing indictment of the cowardly current president was ignored in favour of impossibly-lame radio “personalities” poking fun at Clinton’s finger-pointing (as if gesturing manfully to make a point is somehow a character flaw).

Shortly after the aforementioned item — lifted directly from CNN, of course, since it’s beyond the ability of anyone at Global to actually cobble together a home-grown reaction piece and, predictably, spiked with some dated, wildly-unfunny Lewinsky references — superstar entertainment (and traffic) reporter Pooja Handa breathlessly apprises us of all the showbiz news that we missed overnight. Assuming, of course, that we hadn’t watched Entertainment Tonight the night before to catch the very items from which she’s reading.

Call it Entertainment Tonight Lite for Dummies, if you’d like. I do.

So, what’s new(s)? Weellll, noted anti-semite and drunk-driver Mel Gibson was apparently speaking out against the war in Iraq at a showing of his latest movie-I-won’t-be-seeing, Acrapolypto, stating “What’s human sacrifice if not sending guys off to Iraq for no reason?” (The movie features, yes, scenes of human sacrifice). Anyone with even a passing acquaintance with Mr. Gibson knows that this is not news; he’s spoken out against America’s presence in Iraq several times before.

Pooja Handa: “I think it’s too early [after his drunk-driving arrest and bigoted outburst] to speak out, he should stay on the down-low” (emphasis mine). Now, malapropisms (Mel-apropisms? heh) and lowest-common-denominator thinking are far from rare on Global News Morning; in fact, we’ll cop to eager anticipation of same. But, for serious, urging Mel Gibson to remain a closeted, homosexual African-American man just doesn’t make sense to us at all.