Charlton Heston Turned Me Gay
Y’know, there’s nothing quite as uninteresting as a coming-out story, so, in honour of the upcoming borefest known as “Pride Day”, here’s my bid to give Charlton Heston a stroke…
Many, many inverts can name for you the moment at which they “knew” they were gay. Not just different-gay but oh, yeah, got-to-get-me-some-of-that-mansex-gay.
I can name for you the precise moment that I became gay.
It was not when my father forced me to shower with the other men at Charleswood Golf Club after a rousing eighteen holes with him and his buddies — “don’t dawdle, we’re all men here!” he’d goad, amid the clouds of baby powder created by the wrinkled geezers who padded naked around the locker room — and it was not when my grandmother allowed me to bake those brownies at the cottage and it was not at the sight of my Tom Selleck-esque junior high school gym teacher in his sweaty y-fronts after volleyball practice.
It was Chuck Heston. In the summer of 1970. Charlton Heston totally turned me gay.
Yes, he of the impenetrably wooden acting, he who would have his Constitutionally-protected gun pried from his cold, dead fingers, he who denied aggressively and publicly that Judah Ben-Hur’s best friend Messala was ever more than “just” a friend, he who discovered what soylent green was, he who is no friend to damn, dirty apes.
And it was that ape movie that started the process. I mean, for god’s sake, how is someone genetically-predisposed to homosexualism supposed to resist the awesome, ubermasculine tastiness of this:
…only bare-ass naked, shot from the rear, his lean, proud, hard-muscled butt diving into the lake with his other, equally-naked astronaut “buddies” at the start of 1968’s Planet of the Apes? Fercryinoutloud, come on! Like a lighting bolt to the nads, baby.
How many thousands of times did I fantasize about spending, oh, eternity, marooned on that planet with Chuck, swimming naked all day long and lazing around, drying our matted chest hair on the rocks in the late afternoon sun? Eleventy-thousand times, is how many.
And, to make matters worse, the dad whose kids I was babysitting in the early 70s just happened to have a stack of Playboys in his home office, including the March 1970 issue, which featured a photo of Chuck on the set of Julius Caesar. Clad only in what appeared to be a buckskin pouch!
It was at that exact moment, when I was entering the most fervently onanistic period of my early-adult existence, with two years of ape-planet-naked-swimming percolating in my genes jeans genes, that I turned homo. Poring over that photo of Charlton Heston, over and over and over. Hairy, tall, lean-muscled, decidedly masculine. Hot.
Sure, I found out later he’s a total dick, but, hey, at that time I thought all movie stars were smart and cultured and politically-aware, too, so I can’t really be blamed for my extreme naïveté. Also, I lived in Winnipeg, and, I mean, geez. Anyway, to deny that every man who’s held a particularly close, emotio-sexual place in my life bears at least some tiny resemblance to Chuck would be foolish.
Charlton Heston, you made me the bad wolf that I am today, and I am so your bitch. You damn, dirty Republican.
20 comments
I feel you jim, Primus is the worst company. it is very bad that they carry Canada name behind their name “Primus”, I signed up for the VOIP and it was the worst choice I have ever made. then I decided to more to regular phone line and they asked for $50 connection fee. it took them 7 days to transfer the phone. my family lived with no phone or internet for complete 7 days. then they offered me a very good offer on the internet. so they promised me to get the internet and they never did. I lived without internet for about a week again. then I said fuck it and called Rogers and got a phone service and internet from them it took them 1 day to set everything. I rather pay more but not to live in this shit.
Great photos
I agree with Mark. I do not find this movie depressing per say … but simply brilliantly written. I have the whole show memorized too … and I can watch it over and over again. And God bless Leonard Frey … what an actor !
My dear sir:
It has come to my attention by means of my attentiveness that you haven’t said much lately. Ahem ahem. If you let it go to a month, you’ll start to grow the impression that you have to explain, blah blah, and that the post has to be awesome to compensate etc. I therefore must urge you with great urgings to get something up here before November 24th. You can talk about how mustache-growing affects kissing on the part of the kisser (I know about the kissee already). Or the weather. What you had for lunch. I’m just saying, immediate action must be taken to avoid certain disaster. Or something. Please. Pretty please.
K primus is shit..
heres the story..
2008. My modem fucked up randomly, took them 1 month to fix it wdf 1 month? idiots much.
Now 2009,
My modem works all lights are on, BUT INTERNET DOESNT WORK, i call them up im like, why aint my interent working? all lights are on the damn modem. and some indian fucker says TO LOGIN WITH MY PASS AND USER ON 192.168.*.***
I do that still doesnt work, Then he shuts the phone on me,
Well then, im moving to shaw, and im not paying there bills no matter what, They wont let me cancle it since its under my dead wife, So They can suck on it, im not paying for shit. Gg primus, your company sucks, a bunch of kids can overwhlem it.
Soooo…Where the F are you? You can’t tell me that life in Van is so fabulously awesome that there is nothing to complain about! Is that city so perfect, are the roads so pothole free, are the politicians so straight that there is nothing to talk about? Or.. are you sick … that tiresome sinus issue you have? Us loving followers (yes from Toronto) need to know?
@anne & SkippyBoy: Thanks for the votes advocating more posts. They’re coming. Truth is, I’ve been working more hours than usual and diving, headfirst and enthusiastically, into establishing a social network here in Vancouver. Life is good here, very good.
Sometimes, I feel sad that there’s so much negativity on the Internet. Whether or not you like, dislike, or have no particular opinion on someone, I just don’t think it’s very nice to be so mean.
I guess I just wish people were sweeter.
This is terrible. I was on another site http://www.timhortonsfranchise.com and see they don’t treat thier franchisees any better. This is disgusting what a giant corporation can do. Spread the word.
I think it’s JUST adorable! There’s something rather touching about the small pox and polio notes to me. You’re right Brett, it’s become something better than useful, it’s become art.
let me add a voice to those advocating more posts. i miss you too and will keep checking.
hope you guys have great holidays in your new home.
I’m adding my voice to the chorus of people who want, nay, NEED posts from you, Brett. Please post soon! We miss the Canadian snark!
Missing ya, man, but glad it’s for good reasons, not bad. Hope to see you posting again soon!